You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
