Screwed.edu
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
