Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
