he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
