I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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