Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
