i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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