i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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