i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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