it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
