I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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