Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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