I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
