Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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