Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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