Do you still have your period?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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