the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
