so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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