Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
