First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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