Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
