I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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