Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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