i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
