I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
