If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
