If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
