I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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