I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
