This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
