You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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