Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
