At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
