you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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