When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
