If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
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