Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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