Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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