My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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