Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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