life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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