I think I died a long time ago.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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