I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
