The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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