Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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