A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
please come you make the beer taste better
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
