If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Randomize
