proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
