the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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