I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
