I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
