I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
